Title: A Bad Case of Deja Vu
Author: 
bemygoodday
Team: EWE
Prompt: 22. I think I saw a Pensieve like this once...
Wordcount: 2,200
Rating: PG
Warnings: Horrible puns.
Summary: Nothing good ever came from the Department of Mysteries, nothing good at all.
Author's Note: Thank you to Kim and Mel for the speedy beta jobs! Also, this was my first attempt at not only being as minimal as I could, but also using dialogue as opposed to internal monologue as a driver. I'm not sure how well it turned out, but I would really appreciate con-crit! Go team EWE!
A Bad Case of Deja Vu
Monday: Week One
Harry walked as slow as he could, trying to put off the inevitable. It wasn't like Harry was afraid of the Department of Mysteries; he just didn't want to have to go there. Couldn't Kingsley send someone else? What about Dunn? That guy loved going down there, weirdo. And wasn't that Auror who went down there unsupervised last month still missing? Of all the things Kingsley could have asked, why this?
With every step Harry took he felt like he was walking further and further into something he was going to regret. He hadn't been down here since the trials. Nothing good ever came from the DoM, nothing good at all.
"Hello, Potter."
No, no no no. "Malfoy, you wouldn't be a hallucination by chance, would you?"
Malfoy stood there, in all of his poncy and yet somehow mildly attractive glory, inspecting his hands and then running them through his hair. "Don't think so," he replied, then leaned close enough for Harry to know he smelled quite good, "Do you often have hallucinations about me, Potter?"
"No," Harry said stubbornly, though there was that one time, and really it shouldn't count, because he had had at least one too many, and there were an awful lot of blond blokes in the bar that night.
"Well, then. Let's get a move on, what was it you needed to retrieve again?"
Then it dawned on Harry, he was going to be trapped down in the Department of Mysteries forever. Sure, all the reports said Roberts had wandered around here by himself, but who had filed those reports?
Harry was going to ask if there were any other guides available, but instead he asked: "Have they found Roberts yet?"
Malfoy smiled brightly. "No, but I hear him walking around down here every once in a while, and we've taken to leaving replenish-able plates of food about, just in case."
He'd been struggling to keep up with Malfoy for what felt like an hour. Maybe Harry was just paranoid, but it was almost as if Malfoy was trying to lose him. They rounded a corner to the left, and upon seeing what appeared to be a half-eaten plate of food, Harry hurried to catch up. He was too busy casting a Locator Charm on Malfoy to notice the Pensieve directly in front of his feet. Harry tried to correct his footing, but overbalanced and fell backward to the floor. Reaching for something to grab onto, his hand found the edge of the Pensieve and the entire contents fell over him.
He was standing in a hallway at the Ministry with Malfoy by his side. Well, he was standing in a hallway at the Ministry with himself and Malfoy by his side. The Pensieve fluid must have fallen on him, but this never happened, had it? Malfoy leaned in and asked Harry, other Harry, if he'd like to go out for a coffee. This definitely never happened. Other Harry agreed and as Harry watched himself and Malfoy walk out the doors to the Ministry, he saw them join hands.
Harry sat bolt upright and smacked his head into Malfoy's shoulder, who was leaning over him.
"Oh, you're not dead. Thank Merlin, the paperwork you have to go through when someone goes missing is atrocious. I don't even want to know what it's like when someone dies," Draco said as he stood and offered a hand to Harry. The scene that Harry had just witnessed re-played in his mind, and refusing to take Malfoy's hand, he rose on his own.
"What the hell was that," Harry said pointing at what he had thought was a Pensieve.
Malfoy waggled his eyebrows and fingered his DoM badge. "That," he answered, "is a mystery."
Of all the annoying things spending time with Malfoy had ever caused Harry, this, by far, was the worst.
"Your deja vu will wear off on it's own eventually, Harry. I would recommend drinking a lot of water, to flush the toxins causing it from your system."
Harry was hoping that Hermione would know of a spell or a potion that would end this whole ordeal. He was left disappointed. "So that's it? Drink water and wait it out?"
"I'm sorry, but there isn't any record of this happening before. If we try any experimental treatment you could become ill. All you have to deal with is a bad case of deja vu every once in a while until it wears off. Really, Harry, it could be much worse."
He supposed she was right; it could be much worse.
"This couldn't get any worse!"
"Harry, I'm sure you're overreacting."
"No! No, I am NOT overreacting! Kingsley, how can you do this to me? You know my history with Malfoy. You know this can't work out."
"It can, and it will. That's final."
"So let me get this straight," Ron said as he poured himself a beer, "you went down to the Department of Mysteries with Malfoy as your guide. He leads you to run into a giant Pensieve that spills its contents all over you, which gives you deja vu, which makes you feel like you've been standing next to Malfoy in the break room before, though you haven't, which makes you feel like you know that when he drinks his coffee he's going to be poisoned. So, you smack it out of his hand and it turns the floor in the break room to stone. Because of this, Kingsley thinks you have 'strange and unique' psychic abilities and assigns you to be Malfoy’s bodyguard until they figure out, and bring in, whoever tried to kill him?"
"Um... yeah, that sums it up pretty well," Harry said, and instantly felt the urge to order yet more beer.
Wednesday: Week One
"Good morning!" Draco announced brightly as he entered the room.
Harry didn't exactly agree. In fact, none of the mornings since he had been put in this situation were all that great. Malfoy had insisted that Harry sleep in the same room with him because 'the attackers could strike at any moment'. Harry didn't mind that so much, the room was nice. Harry got his own bed and if he were being honest, it was the nicest bed he'd ever slept on. But Malfoy also insisted on sleeping in the nude, save for a silk eye mask. Maybe this wouldn't have been much of an issue either, if it were anyone else, but if Harry was anything, it certainly wasn't blind and Malfoy didn't seem to care. It had taken Harry hours to come close to sleep and then the snoring would start. Because of the possibility of attack, if the attacker managed to get past Harry's wards on Malfoy’s property, Harry had put a spell barrier up in Malfoy's room. So, he couldn't cast a silencing charm. He'd got hardly any sleep at all.
"You know," Malfoy said, looking earnestly at Harry, "you must really worry about me. You look like you haven't gotten any sleep since my life has been on the line."
"You know," Harry replied, "you snore."
Friday: Week One
One of the many things that Harry found annoyed him about Malfoy was his horrible and terribly timed puns. The worst part, really, was that Harry would sometimes know they were coming before they did, and they always seemed more lame the second time around. Scratch that, the absolute worst part was that Harry found it a bit endearing.
For example: During Malfoy's break time he and Harry headed up to the break room for another cup of what Harry felt was far too much coffee. Like the first time Harry had saved Malfoy from his poisoned mug, he had an overwhelming feeling that allowing Draco to drink what he held in his hands wouldn't be such a good idea. Instead, he took the cup and poured it down the drain, which immediately began letting off sparks, to which Malfoy felt the need to say:
"Seems like drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems."
After hearing this statement, Harry felt maybe he had made the wrong decision. Then Malfoy smiled, and Harry began to think maybe he needed professional help.
Wednesday: Week Two
There were still no leads on who was making the attempts on Malfoy's life via coffee. As of now, anyone who had access to the Ministry's break room was a suspect. It was especially tricky that somehow only Malfoy's cups were ever cursed. Harry had tried to ban Malfoy from ingesting coffee, but he'd found him sneaking cups. As a preventative measure, Harry had taken to inspecting every mug Malfoy intended to use.
"So," Malfoy said, leaning over Harry's shoulder while he inspected the latest mug, "hypothetically speaking, you're gay right?"
As if The Prophet hadn't been all over the issue.
"As a May pole," Harry replied. Annoyed that Draco was standing so close, Harry shifted forward a bit. "Do you mind?"
"Not at all," Malfoy said, and moved forward as well.
Saturday: Week Two
So it was a crush. No big deal, just the sort of thing that naturally happens when you are cooped up with someone for a while. Even if that person was incredibly blunt and annoying, and made horrible puns, and slept naked. Even if that person were Malfoy, right? Natural.
"It's not natural, mate. He's Malfoy."
Ron always was one of Harry's more supportive friends.
"I know it's Malfoy, trust me, I know."
Tuesday: Week Three
When the Coffee Culprit (as Draco had taken to calling his attacker) made his third attempt on Draco's life, Harry began to panic. His occurrences of deja vu had been less and less lately, and he'd been lucky thus far that they had coincided with attacks, but what if next time he wasn't so lucky?
"Calm down, Harry. I'm sure everything's going to be okay. You've protected me thus far, I don' t think there's any need for concern," Draco said, sounding far too calm about his attempted murder for Harry's liking.
Harry pointed at the sink that was now melting. "I'd call this grounds for concern!"
It started as a twitch at the corner of Draco's mouth, and Harry was concerned that he might cry. It then developed into a giggle, and within ten seconds it was a full-out belly laugh. "Grounds! Grounds!"
It took everything Harry had not to start laughing as well. "Are you finished?"
Draco shook his head. "One more," he stated, and upon Harry's hand motion to continue, he did, "grounds!"
Thursday: Week Three
Harry hadn't had a case of deja vu for forty-eight hours. He had banned Malfoy from coffee and called on Hermione's knowledge to cast a spell on him so that no coffee would be able to pass Malfoy's lips. In case the attacker decided to switch his beverage of choice, Harry also began using intense and energy depleting revealing spells on every liquid that Malfoy came into contact with.
"I can't take it!" Malfoy announced at breakfast that morning. "I really do think that the Coffee Culprit's reign of terror is over, so please, for the love of Merlin, let me have some coffee. Look at me!" Draco said, dramatically pointing at what might have been a dark circle under his eye, "I'm wasting away!"
Harry looked up from the orange juice he was testing for breakfast. "Draco, we've been over this, you can't have coffee. If--"
Suddenly a guilty look passed over Draco's face. "It's me."
Harry wasn't following. "What?"
"I am the Coffee Culprit. I've been poisoning my own drinks."
Harry looked back down the the orange juice that he had been testing for breakfast- the orange juice that he'd been testing rigorously for four hours.
Draco continued, "I was going to ask you out for coffee at the Ministry, when you came to the Department of Mysteries. But you fell, and they took you to get looked at by a medi-wizard. So then, news travels kind of fast in my department and heard about your predicament. So, I waited till you were around and I poisoned my own coffee. Then, I demanded that Kingsley put you on my case. I was planning to tell you, once I had seduced you, but I've walked around naked every sodding night, and I've flirted, and I've really tried my best. Are you a robot or something? Because that would explain a lot. But you see, I was willing to give up a cuppa every once in a while if it meant I would eventually be shagging you; however, since you are the DAFTEST MAN ON EARTH- I would like a cuppa, and I would like it now."
Harry was a strange mixture of elated and murderous.
Friday: Week Three
"So you see, Shacklebolt, there is no reason for further investigation."
"You do realize, Mr. Malfoy, that this is going to mean loads of paper work."
"I do, sir."
Kingsley pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. "Then you are dismissed. Oh, and Mr. Malfoy? Next time you want to shag one of my Aurors, do not fake attempts on your life to get their attention, or you will have more than a stack of paper work to worry about."
"So," Draco said, standing outside Kingsley's office, "I'm going to have a lot of paper work to do. I'll need lots of caffeine to get through it. Want to go get a cup with me?"
Harry was tempted to say no. He knew this probably wouldn't end well. But then, he remembered the Pensieve when he'd fallen in the Department of Mysteries, and he remembered Draco taking his hand.
"Why not?"