Title: Don't Drink and Shag
Author: 
nolagal
Team: Epilogue
Prompt: 14. Drunk as a house elf.
Wordcount: ~4,100
Rating: R
Warnings: Voyeurism, magical bonding.
Summary: Ron knew Harry was drunk at the Beltane festival, but when Draco Malfoy joins Harry in drowning his sorrows, the impossible becomes possible and Ron witnesses it all.
Author's Note: Special thanks to my betas luvscharlieemerald_dragon8
Don't Drink and Shag
Ron took a seat on the old, wooden bench, glancing around the crowded table where his friends all sat, enjoying a pint. "Evening," he said casually.
"So where's Harry?" Dean asked, his voice curious as he looked behind Ron. It was Friday night, which meant that all the blokes gathered at the pub for drinks. Harry hadn't missed a night since the divorce, and Harry and Ron always came straight from work together.
"On a date," Ron said, grinning. He took a deep sip of his ale and waited for the next logical question.
"Who with?" Neville asked.
The other conversations halted as everyone turned to Ron and eagerly awaited the answer.
Ron laughed at the predictable nosiness of his friends. It wasn’t that he wanted to make fun of his best friend or even gossip; but Harry had said he could tell everyone, and it was just too good not to share. "Malfoy," Ron said smugly, knowing it would get a reaction.
Shocked gasps echoed around the table as everyone stared at each other in confusion. Ron knew they were all trying to figure out what would make Harry go out with Malfoy.
Ron smirked; it wasn't a Malfoy–worthy smirk, but it was still devilish. "Yeah. They became, uh, friends at the Beltane festival."
"I saw 'em," Seamus said. "They were both drunker than a house–elf, and that was before the raising of the pole."
"Makes sense," Dean said, nodding slowly. "Harry always was obsessed with Draco."
"True. No one could ever rile Harry up like Draco. Always seemed like there was some underlying tension between them," Lee said, winking at George.
Ron watched as his friends slowly accepted Harry's new situation. Ron had a week and first–hand experience to get used to the idea, but it still seemed surreal to him. For everyone else, Ron knew they would need to hear the full story to understand.
"But Harry's not gay," Neville said, his brow wrinkled in confusion.
George laughed and slapped Neville on the back. "Oh, he definitely is. He was shagging Charlie right after the war."
"Aye, but Charlie don't count. Bloke's slept with half the Wizarding World," Seamus said, his voice loud and boisterous but a bit wistful. Ron didn't want to know if it was envy or remembrance that caused Seamus's soft sigh.
"Trust me, it counted. Harry was ready to be completely gay then, but Ginny found out and just flat out told Harry that he wasn't bent 'cause they were going to get married, and that was that," Ron said.
"Couldn't have minded her too much, " Dean said. "What with three kids and all." Dean paused, making Ron wonder if Dean was still jealous twenty–five years after dating Ginny. "Then again, maybe that's why Ginny had to go find a real man."
Ron shot him a look. "Harry loved her completely and did anything she wanted. Anything. He might've preferred blokes, but he gave Ginny everything he had," Ron said. The anger he felt over the suggestion that Harry was somehow inadequate or that Harry was the reason for the divorce was evident in his icy tone.
Dean looked abashed. "Sorry, mate. I know Harry treated her like a princess."
Ron gritted his teeth, but shook his head. He didn't want to fight; he wanted to tell his story.
"Anyway. So, you know how Albus and Malfoy's kid are friends? Well, Albus wanted Scorpius at the bonfire, so Harry invited the Malfoys. Couldn't believe Malfoy came myself," Ron said, looking to make sure he had everyone's attention. "Well, you might remember Ginny brought her new boyfriend—"
"Emphasis on boy," George said, laughing at his own joke.
"Yes," Ron agreed, rolling his eyes. "So Ginny has the nerve to show up at Harry's Beltane feast with that twenty–year old git of hers, rubbing it in poor Harry's face. And Harry gets all depressed, you know, and starts drinking."
"Hey mate," Ron said, taking a seat next to Harry. "Sorry about Ginny. I don't know who invited her."
Harry looked up from his Firewhisky and sighed. "I did," he said, sounding resigned and already tipsy.
Ron picked up the half–empty bottle of Firewhisky, poured himself a glass and refilled Harry's glass. "Yeah, then it's your own fault."
"I didn't think she would bring him here. I just thought the kids would want her around for the party. They never see her anymore," Harry said, sounding resigned and pathetic.
"Pass the bottle," a voice said coolly.
Ron looked up and saw Draco Malfoy pulling out a chair to join them.
Harry handed the bottle over, swishing the remaining liquor. "We're going to need more soon."
"So, why are you drinking yourself into a stupor on this lovely evening?" Draco asked, taking a large drink and raising a perfectly manicured pale eyebrow at Harry.
"Ex–wife. Ron's just keeping me company," Harry said, lifting his glass in a mock toast.
"I see. Well Scorpius is enjoying himself, and I can't bring myself to make him leave yet, so I'm going to get drunk," Draco said, draining his glass then refilling it.
Ron started to suggest that Malfoy find somewhere else to sit, but then he noticed that Harry was smiling. He hadn't seen Harry smile in ages and yet there was a full out grin being directed toward Malfoy.
"So why do you need to drink? Ex–wife practically shagging on the dance floor with a boy half her age?" Harry's voice was a little slurred, but still managed to sound appropriately sarcastic.
"Actually, yes," Draco drawled, smirking. "Maybe you noticed my darling Astoria grinding against my cousin—your godson—on the dance floor. Although she is not officially my ex yet. We are still ironing out the divorce agreement."
"Teddy!" Harry gasped, shaking his head. Ron wasn't too shocked. After sleeping his way through several Weasley women, Teddy had taken on quite the list of older lovers.
"Yes, your precious Teddy stole my wife. The brat wants her to get divorced and be exclusive, even though we all know how many people he's shagged." Draco's grey eyes flashed with anger. "We had an agreement before we were married, and she is breaking it over something that won't last a month."
Harry stared at Draco in obvious sympathy. "Sorry. You must be devastated."
"Well not devastated per se. More angry and offended."
"Yeah, I was mostly confused and heartbroken. But I'm fine now, really," Harry said, his tone unconvincing.
Ron left and picked up a new bottle of Firewhisky, glad that Harry always hid some liquor from his guests. When he returned to the table, he sat quietly for a minute, listening to Harry and Draco talk bad about their respective wives. He felt a little left out of the conversation for being happily married, but he was pretty thankful Hermione was not leaving him for a younger man. As he thought about the conversation around him, something Draco had said earlier struck him as odd.
Curious, Ron turned to Draco. "Agreement?" Ron asked, "You said that you and your wife had an agreement she broke."
Draco nodded and Ron noticed a dangerous glint in the grey eyes. "Before we married, we agreed that after the birth of the Malfoy heir, she could have all the men she wanted and so could I. We just couldn't get divorced or separate to the public."
Harry's eyes grew wide with astonishment. Pants at hiding his emotions on a good day, Harry's face gave every thought away when he was drunk. Ron could tell Harry was shocked that Draco was gay and maybe even jealous of Draco's arrangement. After all, if Harry and Ginny had had that arrangement maybe she wouldn't have left him. Ron was glad they didn't and glad Harry and Ginny had divorced; he just never told Harry that. He thought Harry deserved to be truly happy, not just content and resigned as he had been for the twenty years of his marriage.
"There has never been a divorced Malfoy," Draco said dejectedly, downing his drink. "That's not all. She's threatening to tell the Prophet about my proclivities if I don't give her half my wealth."
"What does it matter?" Ron asked. "Who cares if your bent?"
Malfoy rolled his eyes and took another sip. "There has never been a gay Malfoy either. I will not disgrace my family name."
Harry snorted into his drink. "Maybe not an openly homosexual member, but your father was so gay."
"What are you talking about?" Draco asked, his voice high and offended.
Ron smothered a laugh. Lucius Malfoy had been obvious in his sexual preferences. What with how Lucius would stroke that cane of his.
"Well besides his mannerisms, the way he stared at my arse, and his attire, your Mum told me," Harry said, smirking.
Draco stared at Harry. "Why would my mother discuss that with you."
"Because she was trying to get me in bed," Harry said, laughing. "After the trials, she kept offering to show her gratitude."
Draco's face paled in horror. Ron couldn't stop himself from laughing out loud. He tried to smother the laughter when he saw Harry failing to keep his own amusement in check.
"I turned her down, of course," Harry added, trying to keep a straight face as he patted Draco's arm.
"My mother not good enough for you, Potter?" Draco sounded offended, which started Ron laughing again.
"Actually your mother was—still is actually—quite attractive, but I didn't fancy your father finding out." Harry paused for a moment then a vacant smile crossed his face. "He'd probably tie me up in the dungeon and have his way with me. Maybe use his cane." Harry didn't look put off by the idea at all. Instead, Harry seemed to be considering it with pleasure.
"Harry James Potter!" Ron said, appalled that Harry would seem so turned on by the idea of Lucius Malfoy punishing him.
Harry grinned sheepishly. "What can I say? He was an attractive, powerful man. If he'd been the one offering to thank me…"
Draco looked torn between disgust and arousal. "My father? But you hate him."
Nodding, Harry winked at Draco. "Doesn't mean I wouldn't have shagged him. Used to hate you too, you know," Harry added, leering.
"Bollocks. There is no way Harry would say that about Lucius," Dean said, slamming his empty glass down. "Not after everything that happened in the war."
Ron grinned. "I may have exaggerated just a bit, but the part about Narcissa was totally true."
"He also left out the part about Malfoy's son rubbing all over Hugo on the dance floor. Surely that came up, if you were discussing gay Malfoys," George said, sneering at Ron. "Of course, I've seen Scorpius eying up Harry too. Maybe Harry should give up on Draco and take himself a young one too, seeing that he has a thing for Malfoys and all."
Ron huffed in annoyance. Scorpius Malfoy was a total tease, and from all appearances destined to take after his father and grandfather in his sexual preferences, but he was barely sixteen and not part of Ron's story. "Well, I haven't reached that part yet, but I don't think Harry can get another date besides Malfoy—Draco—at least not for a year if Hermione's right," Ron said.
Ron watched as understanding crossed a few of the faces. Seamus was laughing uncontrollably and Neville looked horrified, but no one else had grasped the significance. Of course, Ron wouldn't have thought it possible if he hadn't witnessed the crazy occurrence. He didn't want to explain yet though, that was for later on in his tale.
"Where was I? Oh, yes. Once Harry had admitted he was gay, Malfoy started flirting. Harry was still moaning about Ginny, but he wasn't rejecting Malfoy. Oh no, Harry kept shifting closer and closer, sneaking lingering touches whenever he could. It was getting right sick to watch, but they were so drunk, I thought they'd just pass out at the table," Ron said, grabbing a new pint from George.
"Thanks." Ron nodded at George. "I wasn't near drunk enough, and they had long since forgotten I was at the table so I went off to look for Hermione. It's one of the few nights I'm guaranteed a shag, you know?"
Everyone laughed in agreement.
"She was by the Maypole, directing the children and talking about the history of Beltane to them. I tried to get her attention, but you know how she gets when she's explaining something." Ron rolled his eyes and took another drink.
Ron watched as the children danced around the pole weaving the bright colours together. He didn't like how that Malfoy boy kept smiling at Hugo or how Rose was making eyes at Dean's boy. Realising that Hermione was not ready to sneak off and shag, Ron headed back to feed his other hunger.
There wasn't much food left, but Ron finished off the spiced cake and chatted with George and Charlie before heading back toward the crowd to see if Hermione was still talking. He was almost to the Maypole when he heard the giggling. Well, giggling followed by a loud moan.
Detouring around the bushes, Ron found Harry and Draco rolling in the grass. They were both bare–chested and snogging madly. Ron thought about breaking it up, but Harry looked so happy that he couldn't bear to interrupt. They were obviously drunker than a house–elf in a cauldron of Butterbeer, but they seemed to be enjoying themselves.
Realising that anyone could find—and hear—the rutting couple, Ron placed privacy wards around Harry and Draco, encapsulating himself inside the wards. He knew he should leave but he couldn't stop watching. It felt as if something was compelling him to witness.
By the time the wards were set, both of them had lost their trousers and Harry was working on removing Malfoy's pants. "Gods, Draco. Want you so much."
"Want you too. Used to fantasise about shagging you," Draco said, rolling Harry onto his back.
They were rubbing against each other, moaning and gasping. "Don't stop."
"Never," Draco said, his voice tight with arousal.
Ron watched as Draco cast a quick spell and thrust into Harry. Shocked, he watched as they shagged. It was fast and frantic, but oddly sweet and romantic at the same time. It seemed like they'd never stopped kissing and murmuring to each other. Not that Ron wanted to watch; he was just stuck. The sight of two attractive men having sex definitely did not arouse him.
Ron had heard them whispering throughout and—being too busy not watching—hadn't paid attention to the words of encouragement, but one exchange caught his attention.
"Mine," Harry called out.
"Yours," Draco answered.
At those words, streams of magic danced around them: red, green, and yellow swirls lighting up around the entangled couple. Ron recognized the signs of a magical bonding, but it was more powerful than any ceremony he had ever witnessed.
Neither Harry nor Draco seemed to notice the magic surrounding them as they collapsed beside each other, breathing hard and laughing. Ron could see the colours fading around them, settling into a soft hue that seemed to etch into their skin. There was only one ritual that settled like that—a bonding ritual. Ron shook his head in disbelief. He was pretty sure he had just witnessed his best friend bond with his childhood rival…on accident.
"We should do this again," Draco said, his voice still slurred as he held Harry tight. "Maybe in a bed, next time."
"Or a sofa. Or bent over a desk," Harry said with a content sigh. "Maybe we could even be sober. You'd have to be willing to be open about it though. I don't want to keep secrets." Harry ran his hand down Draco's chest before resting his head on Draco's shoulder.
"Mhmm. If it meant more sex with you, I'd take out an ad in the Prophet myself," Draco said.
Ron sighed quietly, not wanting to give himself away to the couple. At least they were planning for the future, he thought. He wasn't sure exactly what had occurred, but he did know that a Beltane bonding ritual would be impossible to break.
Ron left Harry and Draco cuddled and happy, still glowing softly from the magic. He recast privacy wards, and hoped no one noticed the couple was missing.
"So they didn't know?" George asked. "Do they know now?"
They were several rounds into their evening and everyone was getting a little louder as their alcohol levels increased.
"Harry doesn't," Ron admitted. "I found Hermione right after that and we hurried home." Ron blushed as he remembered pulling Hermione out from a group of their friends and Apparating straight to their bedroom. "Since then, I haven't been alone with him. Plus, Hermione wanted to do research before I talked to him. Then today, he was so excited about his 'date' that I couldn't tell him that he was already bonded."
"I thought that rot was just legend, mate," Seamus said, shaking his head. "I know I've shagged on Beltane without anything happening."
"Think about who we are talking about here," Ron said. "If it's ridiculous and impossible, it'll happen to Harry. Hermione says that there has to be a special connection and both partners have to want the bond, at least during that moment. Those two were so drunk, no telling what they were thinking about."
"Guess we're just lucky Harry can't get pregnant," George said, starting to laugh, then stopping as everyone stared at each other.
"No way, right?" Dean asked. He glanced at everyone for confirmation, biting his lips and widening his eyes when no one responded.
Ron tried to remember everything he had learned about sex magic, but his brain was fuzzy from the alcohol. He didn't know of any situation where a male could get pregnant, but it was Harry they were talking about.
As they all pondered the possibility of male pregnancy, a silver otter appeared at the table, speaking with Hermione's voice. "Harry fainted on his date. He's at St. Mungo's, meet me there."
Ron dashed to the Floo, worried about his best friend, now that Harry might be pregnant. When Ron arrived, Draco was standing in the waiting room with Hermione. Both looked nervous, but not terrified.
"He's awake and says he's fine. They are just running a few tests to make sure. Draco was about to tell me what happened," Hermione said, gesturing for Ron to take a seat.
Draco nodded at Ron. "We had just finished dessert and I had something important to tell him."
"Um, Harry," Draco said nervously, unsure how to bring up the strange issue he had to discuss with his date. Everything about their evening had been perfect so far, but Draco knew he had to tell Harry the truth before they left the restaurant and he lost his nerve. "I have something to tell you."
Harry looked up, his bright green eyes concerned. "You don't want to come out? It's all right. We can figure something out."
Draco sighed. "Don't worry about people knowing. That's not an issue. Going out on a date to a Wizarding restaurant took care of that for us." Draco reached across the table and placed his hand over Harry's, squeezing gently. "The thing is, the other night…"
"Was great, right?" Harry asked, his tone hopeful and nervous.
Draco smirked. "It was brilliant. Too brilliant as it turns out. See, it seems we invoked some ancient magic."
Harry raised his eyebrows in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
Draco took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. "Well, when I went to the Ministry to start my divorce proceedings, I found out that the marriage had already been nullified. Seems that the trial union I had just entered overrode my wedding ceremony."
"Trial union?" Harry's voice was high and cracked as he was beginning to understand.
Draco nodded. "You and I are bound for a year and a day. It's all recorded at the Ministry. It's an old Beltane ritual. Most people don't know about it because it's not done anymore and, apparently, it takes such a special set of circumstances, most people can't enter into it even if they tried. Or, at least not the true magical bonding. But, not us. No, we accidently completed the bonding ceremony when we shagged. We were just too drunk to notice."
"Oh," Harry said. "So we are what, magically engaged?"
"Basically, yes. The bonding is unbreakable. We have to live together for the duration of the trial and then, if we want, we can perform a ceremony to end the trial bond. If we don't, then we will be bonded for life. I figured that you could move into the Manor. There's plenty of room and Mother adores you. A little too much really." Draco said, his words running together in his haste to explain. "The children can all stay with us during the holidays, and if it gets too bad we can have separate bedrooms, but I think that it might work…" Draco was so caught up in his rambling that he hadn't noticed how pale Harry had become.
When he realised that Harry's face was completely white, Draco squeezed Harry's hand and shook it. "Harry, are you all right?"
Instead of answering, Harry just stared blankly, then his eyes rolled back in his head. Draco jumped out of his seat and made it to Harry just as he slumped to the floor. Draco cast a spell to wake Harry, but Harry was still groggy and confused.
"And then I brought him here," Draco finished.
"It's because he's pregnant, right? That's why he fainted?" Ron asked, pacing the waiting room at St. Mungo's. The rest of the family and everyone from the pub had made it to the hospital and were listening to Draco's explanation.
"What are you on about?" Draco stared at Ron as if he had suddenly turned into a troll.
"Well you managed to invoke a bonding ritual, what if you did a fertility rite as well?" Ron started wringing his hands nervously.
Hermione laughed, a loud deep laugh that echoed across the waiting room. Before Ron could say anything in his defence, Draco joined in, giggling wildly.
"What's going on?"
Ron looked up to see Harry standing in the doorway, his head tilted in confusion as he watched Hermione and Draco huddling together and laughing hysterically.
Hermione and Draco straightened up quickly, and Draco raced to Harry's side. "You're all right?"
"Just fainted from shock. No big deal. They gave me some Pepper–up, but I was fine as soon as you cast Ennervate. I told you that I didn't need to be poked and prodded," Harry said, whinging. "Now what is going on out here?"
Still grinning, Hermione wiped a tear from her eye and composed herself. Trying to repress her smile, she glanced at Ron. "It was Ron. He asked if you were pregnant."
"Pregnant? That's impossible," Harry said, then his eyes went wide. "Right?" Harry asked, suddenly pale.
"Yes. It is absolutely impossible and ridiculous, even for us," Draco said, sliding an arm around Harry's waist.
"Well, it's Harry. If it's supposed to be impossible, then it'll happen to him," Ron said, grumbling. It had made perfect sense to him.
Hermione hugged Ron tight. "Actually, that is a good point." Ron grinned at her in thanks. "But, no, it's physically and magically impossible. Now, there is actually a way for two wizards to have a child together. You still need a witch to carry a baby of course, but there is a spell…"
Ron tuned Hermione's explanation out and sighed in relief. A gay best friend living with the Malfoys wouldn't be easy, but at least Harry wasn't pregnant. Ron imagined there were going to be enough fights happening at Malfoy Manor without a baby if Harry and Draco had to live together.
Ron watched as Harry and Draco kissed softly, both sighing happily as they pulled apart. Draco ran a tender hand down Harry's cheek, making Harry smile. As they stared into each other's eyes, Ron knew that the new union really didn't need a trial; it looked like Harry and Draco had been, and would be, together forever. And as long as Harry looked so happy, Ron could handle it—impossible magic and all.